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a letter; 5/5/19

“salachar gramaisc!” 

– filthy vermins!

my life is the same, but how are you?

you asked me before if id ever come back home; the answer is no. Ireland is not my home. never my country to begin with.

a foreigner in my own country. she’s not mine and i was never hers.

(perhaps if i was just a bit smarter and wiser, i would’ve picked a different to live.)

right now, exams are stopping me from getting up and leaving.

-or perhaps im fated to die here?

sometimes (most times)  i get terrible what ifs; a future of becoming like her

(i dont want that i dont want that i dont want that-)

the visions of me and the sword; the sword turning against me. cool upon my neck. the barest hint of pressure.

(in my great imagination i am a fallen knight that committed terrible treason )

or perhaps the knight knew what they were doing?

the visions haunt me again. one time i almost felt the phantom limbs of hands clawing at my neck. (or perhaps it was a panic attack?)

i guess my namesake holds truth.

-yours forever,

narcissismpeach

a letter; 5/4/2019

“et in Arcadia ego”

– “Even in Arcadia, here I am”, Nicholas Poussin.

it’s Saturday for me, but it feels like a Monday. right now, I feel like I’m wading in honey; my thoughts have become mush. I have so much to do.

Right now, I’m currently facing exams. they’re started on the 5th, June and won’t end till the 13th. two exams; eight hours total. I feel so tired.

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Hmmm,,, lately I’ve been feeling like shite; I’m breaking out and I think I gained weight. I’ve no social life. I just want to start anew. I’ve been trying my best to correct this. Once my exams are over I want to start back into walking again; I want to make a big ass list of all these goals I want to achieve. I really am tired of Feeling Like This.

Lately, I’ve been getting into journaling. I like it. I really enjoy it. It makes me feel less like shite and more productive.  I want to get more journals so I can see how I’m doing; my plans are getting two separate journals and for each one have a different meaning to it. so for one, a whole journal dedicated to what makes me happy; the second one, for a scrapbook journal of memories. So in total, I have three journals for different reasons. Right now, my first journal is all about planning my week ahead.

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I don’t really know where I’m going with this. My feelings are turbulent and thoughts are all over the place. It would be too hard for me to explain everything in one letter. Maybe some other time?

Perhaps one day I’ll work up the courage to write this all down.

(a̶r̶e̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶r̶e̶a̶d̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶s̶e̶e̶ ̶m̶e̶ ̶r̶i̶s̶e̶?̶)

– narcissismpeach.

location: unknown.